For those of us who have left the institutional church, have you ever wondered why people get upset with us for our move?
We have grown up in the system and have friends whom we enjoy and have common faith, but when we leave one church to go to another they disappear. Seems as long as there is common belief we are good, but when we see things differently things change.
Even more so when we decide to leave the church system because we believe it is wrong. We have grown up in a system that at one time seemed like everything about God revolved around. We went to God’s house on Sunday the sabbath day. We gave God ten percent of our income to help with his work. We listened to God’s man or woman who was the pastor tell us what God was saying in the book God wrote personally. Really, sometimes I got to thinking the trinity was God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Bible.
I know since leaving the institution many people get upset and worried about us. “What? You do not go to church? Did someone make you mad or did you lose your faith”? Usually it is a matter of them trying to convince us where we are wrong and why we need to get back in church. So much for following the Spirit as our teacher and guide. So much for being the Church each and every day. According to most, we need to be in a church and under the authority of a pastor or we are not the christian we should be.
For some reason it is hard for people to understand our decision to leave the system. Even though we tell them we have not left God and we are enjoying life outside the walls of religion, they just do not get it.
In one way I can understand because I used to be the same way. Being in church was the most important part of my christian life. I always thought if we were not in church each week our commitment to God was pretty low. It is funny how we can base our relationship to God on how many times we go to church or read our bibles or witness. Within the system it is always a works-based mentality.
Jesus set us free from works and law-based living. The good works we do now are a result of loving God and doing things out of that love rather than trying to earn our way by what we do.
If people would only give us a chance, listen to why we left the church system and what our thoughts are on living with God on a daily basis as the Church, they may see things a little differently. They may actually still want to be friends and hang out with us. I do not expect every christian to see things my way, yet I would expect others to still be friends and accept me even though we see things differently. We are still following the same Jesus and are to show his love to all people.
Done with Religion 
[…] Favorite Place on Earth by Frank Viola When God Asks Too Much by R.C. Babione Leave the System, Lose Your Friends by Jim […]
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[…] Favorite Place on Earth by Frank Viola When God Asks Too Much by R.C. Babione Leave the System, Lose Your Friends by Jim […]
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[…] Favorite Place on Earth by Frank Viola When God Asks Too Much by R.C. Babione Leave the System, Lose Your Friends by Jim […]
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I agree, nothing wrong with friendship and fellowship. There are many good people who love God in the institutional church. It is really the only way most of us have know all our lives. Yet like you, it is good to have a small group of friends to gather with who are seeking life with God outside the walls of religion. For me, I think I have been in the system for so long that a time of detox is necessary. Thanks for the comment.
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Having “left” the theology of 4th century church, and even the reformed theology of the 16th century, I continue to attend some local congregations that accept a wider worldview. I do this for the friends/fellowship of people I know well, and because my wife is still able to benefit through some of the worship practices. However, to feed my spirit, I have found a small group of spiritual seekers in a small college town within thirty miles of our home. We meet weekly, discuss books that are outside the church box, and are able to speak in vocabulary that is more in line with where we are. I still feel there is great value in the bones of the church – the interaction of the people who care for each other. So I wouldn’t exclude it as a source of connection, life encouragement, and opportunity to serve your neighbor. You might simply have to tolerate some magical thinking in order to be fed socially.
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[…] God’s Favorite Place on Earth by Frank Viola When God Asks Too Much by R.C. Babione Leave the System, Lose Your Friends by Jim […]
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Good points. I agree. Thanks for commenting.
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” Within the system it is always a works-based mentality.” Yes! And I have decided that from a biblical point of view, works=religion, and religion bewitches. You just don’t see things properly when you are under the influence of religion. It wasn’t until I left and got clear of the influence of religion that I began to see things as they are. So trying to convince anyone in the system that you are OK outside that system is wasted breath. They just can’t see it.
“According to most, we need to be in a church and under the authority of a pastor…”- now there’s a good one. “Under authority”. That one was a mess to start with and went to seed with the spiritual covering doctrine, a nasty deception. Jesus is my authority, Jesus is my mediator, not any man. Jesus said, Call no man Rabbi. Or father. We are to submit one to another, not to some man-appointed authority.
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Thanks Leoni for your comment. I respect you and your husband for making the choice to leavae the church system, especially since you were both very involved. I understand your questioning of being wrong but I think that is very common. All we have known for years is the church system. I have found most people in church do not understand or agree with those of us who have left. I wish we could accept one another and that they would understand we did not leave God. Whether in or out of the system, we should be able to fellowship together despite our differences in views because it is the same Jesus we are following. After my wife and I left the church we began to find many peole who felt the same way. There are so many websites and books available by people who have left the church system. The problem with fellowship is that most others we have met are online because we are so spread out. Percentage wise there are more christian people inside the church that are outside the walls of religion. But yet there are many out there who feel the same. Pray that God will guide you and lead you to others for fellowship and encouragement who will understand and accept the decisions you make. Thanks so much for writing.
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In answer to your next comment, it is very hard to find fellowship outside the church system. So many people only know the church as the way to follow God. Many of us have grown up in the system and had always felt it was right. For those of us who have come to see the system as not the best way, it is a very low percentage when compared to those still inside. My wife and I started praying for God to guide us to people for fellowship and encouragement who would understand where we are coming from. Over time we have met people in the most unexpected places. Some we had fellowship with just a couple times, there are a few we still meet with. We do not get together in any formal way or on a regular basis. We have tried a couple small groups/house churches but found them to be just that, a small church in a house still following the system we left. Currently we get together with a few people during the month for dinner, or at one of our houses for snacks and fellowship. It is a slow process but we still enjoy it more than sitting in a church service each week. Sad to say but we actually talk to people more on a limited bases like this than we did in the church service each week where you sit and listen then go home. We also are getting to know people outside our traditional belief system. We feel Jesus was accepting of all people and we should be too. Yet we know inside the church system we are usually told to stay away from people who do not believe like we do. We enjoy many friends online which is a help also. I feel in time God will lead us to the right place, but until then we enjoy our occassional get-togethers, online fellowship and the time my wife and I and some of our family have talking about God and the grace he provided. Thanks for writing.
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Hi jem, thanks for commenting. Yes, this certainly can be a tricky topic. My wife and I were part of the church system for well over 50 years total. I think the group togetherness would be great except that religion and doctrine took over and the concept of getting together as a group lost its true meaning. If we could just get together as family with everyone contnributing, asking questions, praying for one another and looking past our differences, it would be great. Unfortunately the church system is based on one person being in charge, an orderly service, no questioning the authority or doctrine being followed and such. The systems says come into the building, follow the rules, sit down and listen then go home until next week. You mentioned the 12 disciples and you are right, they were a chaotic mix. Nothing wrong with that but today we usually separate into groups based on our particular mix rather than accept each other in our differences. I also think Jesus picking 12 disciples shows that smaller, personal groups work better. Basically the church systems seems to have lost its first love, Jesus and making him the head to follow man-made systems and authority. Thanks for the good comment.
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Hi Lee, thanks for writing. I agree that the doctrines and teachings of some churches are more misleading and promotes law-based living more than anything. It is a good place to gather with other believers, but true fellowship normally does not happen within a church service. It takes some time and effort to find a group but I have found that asking God to bring people into our lives for fellowship works and we have found people at unexpected places to get to know. Online fellowship is good also, but face to face is usually the best. I will certainly pray for God to guide you to a group or several people for fellowship and encouragement in Christ. Thanks again for the comment.
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Hey Jim, I am very glad I found your blog. My husband and me just left our church where he was the pastor an I was a member of the german wide churchleading group. Sometimes we felt somewhat “wrong” because there were no one who understood or even felt the same as we. But there are more and we start to speak out so we can find each other. That gives me hope.
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I wanted also to ask what you personally do for fellowship, or do you not feel that need to belong to a group? This is a genuine question and I’m not being provocative or trying to stir up a drama. I feel isolated and in need of belonging to a group, and having just moved country/city I’m trying to find a group that I can fit into as I am feeling very isolated. So I’m very interested to know whether you have a group or have adjusted to just being you. I understand if you don’t want to make this a public issue and would be happy for you to email personally with a reply at jempeirson@gmail.com.
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Thank you, Jim, for exploring this topic. It is a tricky one. It’s a little like family. You really don’t have a choice about your family you born into until you adult and then you should leave to start your own family anyway, though, of course, you cannot ever decide that you’ll change your parents or your siblings. You either live with that or you move on. I think church is a bit like this, and it’s just like the family in that it hates us leaving and doing our own thing. It wants us to conform to the norm instead of embracing the differences and celebrating them. I like to think of the 12 disciples Jesus chose. What a chaotic mix of people – just like the church! I think it’s when the church starts making too many rules that are man-birthed and not God-birthed that it becomes impossible to embrace all and love all. How we all need so much more to walk in the Spirit of God.
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I have a somewhat similar experience I guess.
I wasn’t raised in church. But when God saved me, I got into several. And what I was being taught was erasing the joy. So I exited institutional church.
But it makes me sad too. Because I’d really love to be a part of a church that I could mesh with that celebrates resting in the finished work of Christ.
As it is now, I don’t have a fellowship, and I’m not sure what the future will look like for me regarding church.
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