by Mike Edwards
I am writing this to those who have experienced harm and their violator doesn’t acknowledge guilt. Also, to those who advise the victim “must” forgive to be right with God. There are different religious view on forgiveness – if one must confess or seek forgiveness before being forgiven from God or humans. Others suggest all should be forgiven even if one doesn’t profess guilt. Should we forgive others without expectations?
Many Christians assume the Bible teaches we must forgive without any expectations. The Bible can also be used to claim repentance is required. God does not forgive the rebellious (Josh. 24:19); “… if they repent forgive them” (Lk. 17:3). The Bible wasn’t meant to be a rules book to advise what every individual should do in their circumstances. “Turn the other cheek” is not meant for a domestic victim. One is free to forgive without expectations, but you have come to the right blog if a victim and you think certain expectations are important before forgiving a person.
Doesn’t God expect genuine regrets before getting into Heaven?
Many defend that the Bible claims you must always forgive no matter the circumstances. But those who defend easy forgiveness would not agree God forgives without acknowledging any wrongdoing. They would suggest you can’t enter Heaven without seeking forgiveness from God. The assumption is God expects and can discern if you are being genuine in repenting. Maybe even God has certain conditions or expectations if seeking forgiveness. Aren’t we supposed to imitate God?
I am suspicious of those that “just want to move on”
A bully or abuser who doesn’t acknowledge their behaviors and just wants to move on is suspect. I have hurt others to know how I should go about asking for forgiveness. It isn’t about my feelings but the victim’s feelings. I don’t know why some guilty folks focus on their expectations and not their victim’s. The guilty obviously know they have done something wrong if asking for forgiveness. Those refusing to wrestle with expectations communicated by victims don’t acknowledge the seriousness of their actions.
Wrongdoing must be recognized
If one is not held accountable for their wrongdoing, might they just do it again? Quick or easy forgiveness can allow a husband’s abusive behavior to continue. When a sexual abuser doesn’t openly acknowledge their actions, will they continue to abuse others? The guilty need to stop with excuses or blaming others. Those with the same upbringing or circumstances don’t always mistreat others. The guilty must take responsibility and accept steps a victim wants taken next. Amends should always be made by the guilty, to prove genuineness.
Obviously, restitution isn’t always possible!
Bad memories can’t be erased; positive memories robbed by the guilty can’t be restored. This is why certain relationships cannot always continue. Those that have hurt others have no rights to insist on a future relationship. When restitution is possible, discussions are necessary from the victim’s viewpoint.
To forgive or not!
I would say to those who demand forgiveness no matter what – Does God really forgive those after death and entering God’s presence and they reject God’s invitation for a relationship.”? In my mind forgiveness isn’t really a discussion until the guilty acknowledge they need forgiveness. But for some forgiving despite lack of remorse can control bitterness. For others to forgive despite lack of remorse can cause feelings of further victimization and bitterness. We must stop guilting victims, according to the Bible, to forgive their violator no matter what. Those hurt must seek the mind of God what actions in relationship difficulties lead to your best interest in the long run in a world full of disappointments. You may discover God is emphatic!
Confession:
I experienced a brother lying to us siblings about family finances after my father’s death. He stole an inheritance my father intended for all equally. It ain’t me. All four siblings felt betrayed in the same way. This brother, who I was close to, denied any wrongdoing for gain for himself. We went to court and he had to make real estate sales undesired by him. It’s been a decade and I never felt the need/desire to forgive him, because he denied any wrongdoing. I didn’t harbor bitterness. I was just ready to move on. Only recently for some unknow reason, for the first time I silently forgave him without his confession. I am ready to forgive in person, I think, if he admits guilt and asks for forgiveness. I will have to discern if being genuine. Christian friends will say God forgives you. My counter – I have admitted to God I need forgiveness for my sins. To each his own and God!
Mike Edwards was added as a writer and has been a great addition to the site. Mike provides many interesting views and various ways of looking at things. He is not afraid to ask questions and he keeps an open mind as to teachings of the institutional church. Mike also has his own site where he writes at What God May Really Be Like
Done with Religion 